Wow, this is gonna be weird.

I have a really BAD confession to make.
For the last oh, I'd say HOUR I have not been working.
I have been lost in the blog-o-sphere. I am currently trying to remember how that happened. I honestly cannot remember how I got sidetracked onto some stranger's blog but I did...
anway, I ended up on this amazing blog of some guy's who is married and from Virginia and moved the the Bronx, no less. His VERy cool and sexy sister who also has a major liver problem sends him quirky, strange, dark, weirdo but amazing videos of oh say, making red paint with beet juice, draining her bile bag and painting beautiful paintings with the red and um, green paint. Turning them all into postcards and mailing them out to friends and family. I would link to it but really now, are you SURE you want to see it?
All you local yokels might ruin my "oh-isn't-it-just-a-cool-NY-culture feeling about this guy's blog.
Anyway, reading about how he is studying and getting into Bronx history, commenting intellectually on the current culture of where he lives now. On and on this interesting, intellectual, well written, funny, warm, blog goes and it reminded me of:
THE LIFE I ALWAYS WANTED.
This is my life in just a few short sentences that I always dreamed of.

Penthouse apartment (of COURSE)
in NYC
amazingly thin, gorgeous and well read.
Long flowing black pants. You know the kind Am. That MOVE and swish when you walk. I actually have some.
Sipping red wine and discussing the latest read, foreign film or to DIE for desert at the local corner bistro.

Yeah. Christianity has a way of getting in the way of life like that.

So seeing this guys blog BACK IN NY where I was....where I almost tasted that life...was nostalgic and well, you know, here comes my mid life crisis. Lol

I was in NYC struggling along....going on temp jobs, trying to land an audition...you know, seeking after the THING.
On the day I find out I was PG with Sloan, I got a call from Tavern on the Green that I had gotten the job (you would not have BELIEVED that interview process..first run through you stood in a line while someone walked past saying yes, no, yes, no...and that was just the FIRST run through!)
AND I got a call for an audition for you guessed it, All My Children.
I turned them both down and came back to Florida.

So, this morning getting lost in all this great, freaky, weird, yummy MEAT of culture..I miss it. I miss it. I miss it. I miss it.

But then...reality. They use the F word a lot. Why? They have no deeper sense of life except for their love of family. They have to love BEYOND that. THey can't just be taken with humanity on an interest level, you have to actually LOVE people...God...not just your immediate circle. Does that make sense>
You cannot have this "life" and have it be deep. Because it is not deep. It is shallow and meaningless.

I am not quite sure why the two lives cannot live as one. But I have never met a Christian who lives this life or even LOOKS like they live this life.
They all have Target shorts on, and have 3 kids and money problems. Is that a stereotype? Sorry. That's me except it's Walmart and four kids.

So whilst I am completely lost in this guy's blog knowing if I comment he will get linked back here and see oh-boring-life-that-I-lead....I come back to my homepage.
It was like landing at Orlando International after being abroad. Weird.
9 emails.
5 from my husband.
Including one with an attachment that reads Momfile.pdf
It said:
I love yo so much all that is missing is U.
Cheesy?
Maybe. But it made me smile and realize I didn't lose anything in the trade off.
I gained the best God had for me. Love of a man and children. An aspiration for a quieter life filled with day to day tasks that were storable in higher places.
The ability to struggle along with God like my Christian counterparts all the while wondering if I were meant for greater things but God, the ultimate parent, keeping me grounded where I needed to be so I would not fall too far away from Him.

Hold me tight Lord. Hold me tight.