Jon rules again.

#249. Backsliding, a Christian thing or an Indiana Jones movie?

I don't love snakes. I'm not afraid of them, I just don't want to spoon them in bed or take them on long moonlit walks and find out they like the movie "Love Actually" too.

I blame my brother Will. He struggled with "Herpetology" when we were growing up. It started small. He'd catch lizards when we went to the beach on vacation. He'd carry a frog around in his pocket like Tom Sawyer. Just the kind of stuff the average boy does. But then he started getting really involved with snakes. He bought a boa constrictor and a milk snake and then an iguana. Now in addition to the toaster strudels in the freezer (which are far superior to pop tarts) you were liable to find dead, frozen mice that he would eventually feed his growing army of serpents. I think he was trying to become "The Beastmaster." (He also got a ferret that he named "Che" after Che Guevara. In his defense, that was one revolutionary ferret.)

I was fine with that, I think snakes in closed quarters are awesome. It's the snakes that escape, the ones that "go on holiday" that I don't like. When a kitten gets away in your house you usually find it asleep in a ball of fluffy pink yarn, all tuckered out from playing. La, la, la.

When a snake gets out, you usually find it when you're going to get a drink of water in the middle of the night and realize that what you thought was a belt in front of the dryer in the dark laundry room is not actually a belt. I don't love snakes.

You know who else doesn't? Indiana Jones.

I've been thinking of him lately because a lot of the suggestions I've been receiving sound a lot like things Indiana Jones fights against. Backsliding, slippery slopes, hedges of protection, those all seem like things from his movies. I mean, in the first one, didn't he "backslide" to get his hat out from that wall that was closing on top of him? And in the second one, wasn't that a "slippery slope" he was on when his rope bridge broke over all those crocodiles?

With the new movie out, costarring Shia Labeouf who I feel has already found a way to host Saturday Night Live 14 times, I thought it might be fun to play a game of "Indiana Jones or the Bible?"

Just for fun of course, but it does kind of prove if you're a good Christian or not.

1. When the ark was opened up, everyone's face melted.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

2. When the ark slipped and someone tried to steady it, that person died instantly.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

3. In a plot twist, the hero is thrown into a pit full of lions.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

4. In a plot twist, the hero falls into a pit full of snakes.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

5. Someone is rescued by an eagle.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones
C. The Lord of the Rings (ohhh trick question)

6. Poisonous snakes come out of no where and a brass snake must be made to help ward them off.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

7. The natives are restless and in a fit of worship pull the still beating heart out of a human sacrifice.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

8. The natives are restless and tell their king they've turned into cannibals.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

9. The ark is mistreated, forgotten and lost somewhere no one will find it.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

10. As if by a miracle, a character is able to walk across a terrifying expanse as if on an invisible sidewalk.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

11. As if by a miracle, a character is able to walk across a terrifying, watery expanse as if on an invisible sidewalk.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

12. Through selfish greed, the villain falls to an unexpected death, essentially killing herself in a canyon.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

13. Through selfish greed, the villain falls to an unexpected death, essentially killing himself in a field.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

14. One of the main characters receives a painful scar on his hand when he gets burned.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

15. One of the main characters receives a painful scar on his hand so we won't get burned.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

16. A tag team of bears kills more than 40 people when they make fun of a bald guy.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

17. An angry man disarms a bad guy with a whip.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

18. An angry man clears out some bad salesmen with a whip.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

19. A huge boulder chases the main character down a hill.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

20. A giant whale swallows someone and pukes them up a few days later.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

21. A hooker with a heart of gold helps the good guys escape out of a window.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

22. At dinner, someone brings in a monkey head on a platter.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

23. At dinner, someone brings in a human head on a platter.
A. The Bible
B. Indiana Jones

I could do this all day and I hope that in addition to playing along, you'll suggest your own questions. This is just the type of ridiculousness you can expect in my book.