Ok, you guys must not be reading Jon's stuff when I post it 'cuz booty-God-booty is just too bloomin' good!
Ok, so I am convinced that there TRULY is no good thing in me. This is not a lament post but literally the truth.
The more I want to do unto the Lord the more it seems I do not! I WANT to but I mess it up.
I know this is Paul's wretched man syndrome but it seems that it is lately killing me.
I need a sign that says" Hello, I am Christian Screw-Up"
I am a power communicator. ON every issue I think it up, think it down, think it 12 ways to Tuesday and then explain it, in detail...in triplicate and delivered to someone's front door if asked but unfortunately more commonly, if NOT asked.
Now WHY do I do that? I feel this intense need to EXPLAIN, to DIALOGUE, to EXAMINE.
That's it. Examine. That is what it is. Then I am convinced it is sin related.
Is it pride?
Is it anger?
Is it bitterness?
Is it impatience?
Again, before any weird, "You are not that bad" comments..that is not what I am trying to say...it is just literally where I go in my head...am I the only one who does this? It is EXHAUSTING!
I strive for holiness, I get holiness with holes. BIg ones. Rips. You know...
So then I think, ok, what is the sin issue for this, for that...why can I not do the things I want to do....
my head is FILLED and AWAKENED in ways in never has been before...
Is it the new areas my brain is exploring because I am using it in new ways or kickin' the dust off the old pathways? So many new relationships...ideas...
Do I sound crazy?
No, THIS is crazy. Trying to explain this in an email and pressing SEND.
That my friends is crazy. I rant and rave and then I get a "Really? You don't SEEM that way."
Lol. WOW. WHY do I have to reach out to virtual strangers (and let's face it, that is all of YOU..yes you can never really know a man's mind...right? Isn't that how the scripture goes? We THINK we know each other...we fall into some comfortable level of existence with one another and then BOOM drop some bombshell on someone and really expect them to just "handle it") expecting them to "get it" or want to examine life back with me?
They are just like,"Wow, she is a crazy person and I need to just get her off emailing ME."
Gosh it is humiliating.
I do not want wretched man syndrome. I do not want to WANT to do good and then NOT be able to do it. Or mess it up. Somehow no matter how I slice it, this just does not seem fair. The idea that He will build in us the desire to do good but then build us NOT to succeed at it. Nice.
I am not a perfectionist..really. Anyone who has seen my house knows that.
I have imperfect ideas , hopes, dreams, kids, home, beliefs. I get it. I Can deal with that.
But the consistent need to examine it and explore it and then DISCUSS it needs to quit.
Sound a bit narcissistic? No, that is not it. I just want some proof and peace that my imperfect walk is somehow made perfect in God's eyes.
I DESIRE to hear "Well done, good and faithful servant" but I know I am not doing it well!!!!
To all I have emailed/called/written or blown smoke signals to with detailed personal information expecting you to "get it", I apologize.
Please forgive me. I won't make that mistake anymore. I hope. I'll try not to. Likely I will fail at that as well. But I'll try. Promise.
And to the Lord I say, I am sorry. Sorry that I am so wretchedly imperfect. That in my broken ridiculous excuse for a Christian, you will find some. good. thing. in.me.
Release me Lord if you will, from the knowledge that I am such a wretched woman!
That in my striving for holiness...even in your strength not mine, I will fail because it makes me reliant upon YOU for forgiveness. Keeps my eye on YOU for the knowledge that without you I have no good thing. Keeps my humble...keeps my seeking...keeps me striving ultimately for the freedom from this world and heavenly perfection with you.
Sigh. Off to buy turkey...I hate to leave you on such a weird note.
Suffice to say, I am almost getting used to the idea that I cannot be who I want to be...
I am who I am. And maybe the answer is just to be a little more ok with myself...but then I think...but that is where complacency sets in.
Ok, do you think I am nuts or what? Don't answer that. Ha ha ha...The ultimate revenge against if you need revenge...ignore me. Lol Or leave a comment that says: Really? You're fine. Yep, that must be pride. UGH.
Hey, this almost sounds like a crazy Ann Marie rant!
OMG (and by G, I mean gracious. lol) did I just hit SEND again?
NOTE: Getting dressed to go out, the song popped into my head and is blaring as we speak: Your Grace is enough, Your Grace is enough, Your Grace is enough for-r me!
God is good....ALL the time!
9 comments:
I want to encourage you that you are soooo not alone in this. I know I am always falling way short of how I WANT to be. I pray, repent, cry, say I'm sorry a dozen times, and then get up and do it ALL again! God isn't finished with any of us yet. But, even in our sin, even in our weakness, in all our wretched-man glory--God still loves us in a way I can hardly fathom. He is our Dad and He's not as hard on us as we are on ourselves. I would even venture to say that, just like we as moms find some of the things our kids do (even some wrong things) as just cute because we love them so much--so unconditionally--and God loves us even more than that. I don't have much else to say to help you but I think that focusing on God's tremendous love for you no matter how wretched or wonderful you are you have to be comforted.
This one was long, so I have already forgotten all I had to say. Except thank you for calling my crazy and not insane. See, see how I always turn it back to me? Now that is wretched!
I don't think you are alone in this, although I do think many people are just very afraid to let anyone see a more vulnerable side, (I am not even sure if that is the word I am trying for). People don't like to let their "inner crazy" out and I say that with love and with the hope that you actually know I do not think you are crazy for any of the stuff written here. I loved this post and I don't think any of it sounded weird, but I'm weird so don't go by what I say!
Amen Tiff... and Steph, you've been with me in my angst, you gotta know you are not alone. (I expected to not hear from you again when we left Mt. Dora last time.) I like to examine too. It sounds good, doesn't it? Examine... sounds scientific, doctoral... but sometimes, honestly, I will be picking the thing apart... that doesn't sound as good. I know examining myself is beneficial in understanding how completely wretched I am but it can also border or jump full force into qualifying, justifying, etc, myself... yet EITHER WAY, Paul also says "forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead"... the upward call. That's my target/goal. If I'm examining, I can't "better" myself because that's God's work in me... I need to be asking continually for more of HIM. If I'm picking apart, I can't change it either and have to leave that to prayer too, we KNOW this.
God is tough on sin but He's very patient and loving with His children when our lives are transparent before Him.
Cheryl, I love you! Do you want to come and live with me and follow me around all day and say things like that to me. UGH! I want to be that wise!!!!!!!
lol Am! don't kid yourself... that's not my wisdom, that's just my experience of standing on His Word!
I think you're right about the "inner crazy." There are few people I'm comfortable enough with to "let it all hang out."
Steph... where you SEEM to be going with this is a post I've been agonizing over from our study in Philippians. Something clicked but I don't think I can write it well and have been putting off pressing that "publish post" button.
one more... Am... love you too! and Steph, and Tiff, etc... honestly, you guys are great and I feel blessed y'all include me as part of your blogging buddies!
Tif--THANK you, your words brought tears to my eyes! This is sooo true...maybe I am being harder on myself than He would be...
Am-Yes, I have the crazies like everyone else...I just like to talk about them and then forget that others will think that I am um, crazy.
Cheryl and Am: Go have a love fest for one another on your own blogs. Gross.
Razzle Dazzle, babe, razzle dazzle.
You said it Crys!
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