Well, I beat it into church last night..running behind, a mess.
Scattered because I have been SOOOOOO busy as of late. (Forgot what a deadline was like! Lol) So I needed something from God. A refueling. A shot of His almighty B-12. Somethin'.
So I stroll it on in there and must have kinda stopped in my tracks. I mean, I don't think I REALLY stopped in my tracks but I must have SOME kind of look on my face. Confusion maybe.
Because a woman there goes, "It's not Agape Feast." So, this woman does not read my blog so I am somewhat perplexed because I think, Yikes! Has it gone around that I don't come to Agape Feast? I doubt it. She probably was just telling me because I looked confused... I
hope. (BTW- the reason I don't go is because I have nowhere to put Kate after for church and I don't want to just go and eat and then leave)
So in I go and get settled and find it is PRAYER night.
Now I have nothing against Agape Feast and nothing against prayer night but I confess: I was looking for something for ME.
Boy, I underestimated God. Because he gave it to me... From both barrels.
So we begin to pray...I settle in and begin to try to seriously apply myself to the task at hand. Pray Stephanie. We are
praying. You were supposed to be here. Supposed to be praying. So
pray.A:(adoration) Love this one....love to praise His Name and everything else about him.
C:(confession) impatient, working out out of my own strength, impatient....
T:( Thanks) perfect timing, husband, family, faithfulness when I am not faithful
S:(Supplication) Wisdom, prudence, patience, surrender, reliance....
Ok, so I have honestly though a bit dutifully, prayed. I have
applied myself to it. I have tried to switch gears into what I should be doing. And thank goodness at least for that TINY bit of effort, lame as it was, or I never could have walked out of there after this:
The double whammy. A girl named Alexis gets up to tell her story and let me just cut to the chase ok? Her Mother (who is there in a wheelchair with oxygen)is about to die from cancerous brain tumor unless a miracle occurs...Father left the family and now they are in need as well. She goes on to say how her Mom is the most selfless person she knows and is always putting others first and herself last. She SOBS this story out with help from Ben and we all gather around them and lay hands on them to pray. When I hugged them, they held on. As if that was the very thing sustaining them.
So I sat shaking, so humbled and in awe at my own pathetic martyrdom the last few days...don't you KNOW what I've been through?????
And I wonder, what is wrong with me?
WHAT was I thinking? HOW could I have let these thoughts take over when I KNOW how important thought life is?
I have always joked that I have the "spirit of conviction" blessing me...NOT condemnation to be sure...but either I have no trouble hearing from the Lord or He has no trouble telling me what's what LOUD and CLEAR.
I have been guilty of many things before but never can I remember being so overly focused on my (gulp) self. Man that is hard to admit. I mean to say. Because really, I DON'T!!! Really I don't! Lol Evidently....I
do.
I'm tired. I'm busy. Busy. Busy. Busy. Don't bother me. Just a minute. No. I have to raise these kids. Deal with the house, school them, discipline, start a business, man I'm beat. I can't, Jeff's not here. I can't, Jeff IS here. My progesterone is low. WILL YOU GIVE ME JUST A MINUTE??? Me.
Me-me-me.
NOW I dare to walk it into church looking for something for ME?
FOR ME?I got it alright. Right in the bootay with his size 777.
I was humbled this night. And securely set back into the protective and forgiving arms of our Lord. Thinking right again. Focusing right again. My joy is back. My REAL thankfulness. My lighthearted what-can-I-do-for-YOU-Lord attitude.
When I got home, I could still smell Corinne on my hands.
Forgive me Lord. Forgive me. I am humbled.